While we have a lot to be thankful for and celebrate this holiday season, I am personally ready for a new year. This year has been a challenging one beginning with the break in and destruction of our lake home; more mass shootings and bombings; kids killing kids and children committing suicide; the suicide death of a very dear friend; the cancer striking journey for our family; the contentious, suffocating air that has plagued our political systems and even our local communities; and all this added to the tapestry of my own personal struggles—sobriety is a daily goal.

Mental health issues are so incredibly complex and so taboo to so many. This holiday season, I’m not down for writing that nostalgic poem, writing of good cheer, or a cheesy feel good poem you’re accustomed to receiving in my Christmas card. No, I’m putting the pen down and cranking up the iMac—I’m going Gerrans, I’m getting real.

This Christmas
I Need You to Need Me to be Able to Want You to Want Me in Your Life
This isn’t some Cheap Trick
Or some dramatic girly boy chick flick
It’s real.

I, like millions of other Americans am afflicted
My son, my husband both inflicted
Me addicted.
It’s real.

People overlook it, or forgive it if they don’t see it
Behind the smile, beyond the mask, the cutouts
It’s mental.
It’s real.

I need you to call me, reach out
I’ve tried many times but often hit cancel, hit end rather than send

Always a part of my life
Now you’re gone.
I’m sorry I’m real.

I need you to need me;
Because I forget I’m needed.

I need you to want me
Accept me—the all of me.
I’m real.

I need you to love me,
When I fail to love myself.

I need you to tell me how good I am
When I’m not feeling worthy

I need you to forgive me
It’s harder to forgive oneself.

I need you to believe in me
When I lack the faith

I need you to see the beauty in me
My mirror has always been broken.

I need to hear I’m talented
Because I have little confidence

I want to be talked to
Even when I’m quiet

I need you to hug me
Even when I push

I need you to tell me how strong I am
When I fall to my knees

I need you to not give up on me
Because sometimes I’m afraid I might

Addiction and mental health issues have several faces
Some pretty, some handsome—overlooked.

Some look the part—our preconceived idea
It’s real.

I need you to be real
For my life’s an open book

Put down your masks, put down your cutouts
Open your eyes, open your ears
If you’ve struggled through your years
We’re human
Not perfect
We’re real.

Some broken, some shattered
Some going through the motions, trying to forget
Self medicate

Searching
Looking outside of ourselves

It’s all right here
If we open our eyes
Open our ears
If we’re honest with ourselves
Honest with others—life’s key.

Getting real and keeping it real.